“I Had a Miscarriage”

By: Jessica Maner

I have sat and thought and racked my brain about how to start this post. I can’t seem to find a way to ease into it, so I will just say it... I had a miscarriage.

At 8 weeks and 5 days, my baby that we had prayed for, for over a year, no longer had a heartbeat. We were devastated, completely heartbroken, and so confused.

From the very moment the doctor said the words, “there’s no heartbeat, I’m so sorry,” I felt God wrap his arms around me. I felt as if I was walking around, with the arms of God physically wrapped around me. It was so real. I felt His presence stronger than I ever had in my entire life. I can remember crying out to Him and saying, “God, I hate this so much. My heart hurts so bad.” And I genuinely felt like He was crying with me, I felt like His heart was broken too.

For a moment I had the question, “If this breaks Your heart, why did You let my baby die in the first place?”

I felt as if over the next few days, God spoke to me through His Word. I remembered the verse “the devil comes to steal kill and destroy, but I have come so that you may have life.”

The moment I read that, I realized Satan would want nothing more than for me to blame God. So I decided that no matter what had happened, I could be sure of one thing; My God is good! He is not a baby killer, He’s a baby creator.

For some reason, it’s as if there is some comfort in blaming God for tragedies. We hear things like, “God did this for a reason.” “God just needed that baby in heaven more than we needed them here.” “God works in mysterious ways!”

I don’t have all of the answers, and I don’t know why this happened, but I will tell you something I wasn’t always as open about while I was pregnant. See, to the world around me, to my friends and to anyone on social media, I had incredible faith! I constantly said “God is so good! There is no chance of a miscarriage, because I am confident that God is in control!”

But if I’m being honest, my google search history said something far different. It said things like “what are the chances of miscarriage in second pregnancy?” And “what are the symptoms of a tubal pregnancy?”

I wanted to look strong. I wanted people to see my faith and be moved by it. I wanted people to come to know Jesus, through my story and my unwavering faith. But in all honestly, I had put up a wall and I wasn’t letting Jesus in all the way.

Now, a year and a half later, I don’t have all of the answers, and I can’t say exactly why this happened. But one thing I am sure of is that God is so good. That’s all I really need to know. God didn’t cause my miscarriage so I could have a greater testimony, but the Bible says that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

So yes, this happened and it was so hard. But I am using my story to help other women who have gone through this to not feel so alone.

If I can give you any encouragement out of this experience, it would be that Jesus told us that we WILL have trials. So we can expect that sometimes things will happen, but when they do, take heart in knowing that God is still good, and if He is for us, who could ever be against us?

Want to know more about Jessica? Visit this page to learn more about our writers.