“God Knew”

By: Mariah Bedford

Have you ever been mad at God? Or maybe you didn’t want to admit you were mad at God, but deep down you were seriously questioning His goodness? That was me a couple months ago. And the few months before that. And really for a while. I was mad at God for a while.

I got engaged in March of 2018, and the wedding was set for October 2018. I was marrying the love of my life. I graduated college in May 2018 with a degree and did pretty well in school. I had some office experience and two internships related to my field of study. I told myself I would have a job, or at least be in the hiring process, a couple months before I was married (so August 2018). Fast forward to January 2019, and I still didn’t have a job.

At first, I thought God had a good reason for the first couple of jobs not working out. I was qualified, but God knew what I really needed. Then a couple months passed, and I got married, and I still didn’t have a job. Then a couple more months passed, and the holiday season was in its full expensive swing, and I still didn’t have a job. I had applied to more jobs than I could remember. I had the experience, the education, I crafted the best cover letter I could think of, I read over my resume a thousand times to check for mistakes, and I still had no job. I had even stopped getting calls for interviews.

I recognize now that God gave us just enough, but in the moment, what I had been hoping for, believing for, and praying for just wasn’t happening.

I’m not sure at what point I became angry with God. At first, I had trusted Him. At first, I was sure He knew what was best, but after a while I started questioning the goodness of God. I started questioning if God really cared about what I needed. I would yell scriptures at Him about how He said He wanted me to prosper, and He would take care of me, and He would give me over and above. He said He loved me and cared about me, but I didn’t feel loved and cared for.

To be honest, I felt really broken. I started having problems with my sleep fairly frequently. I had struggled with depression before, but being at home all day with hardly anything to do made it miserably worse. Some days I would just sit on my couch by myself and cry. I had no one to hold me because my husband was at work, and God wasn’t in the physical next to me. I had nothing to do except question everything I had been taught about God.

That’s a really hard place to be. I grew up in a life-giving church that preaches about God’s goodness, and I just felt guilty and ashamed for the way I viewed God. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t correct my feelings. They were so powerful. I felt like I wasn’t contributing anything but sadness to my marriage, and that was hard on me. I felt like I wasn’t a good enough wife if I didn’t “pull my weight.” My husband was so good to me, but I only believed the things I told myself. I only believed I wasn’t good enough for a job, to be married to an amazing man, to be in a leadership position at church, or to do anything that cost money.

I wasn’t enough. God wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough.

Does that sound familiar to you? Granted, I’m assuming there are some reading this who think I’m a wimp because they’ve been through much worse and are okay. But does the feeling of God not being enough resonate? Have you ever questioned the goodness of God? It’s a weird place to be. It’s a hard place to be. It honestly sucks. But God was only kind in return. I practically told Him His scriptures weren’t true because it wasn’t true to my life. But all He did was listen. He could have yelled at me or allowed my circumstances to get much worse, but He didn’t. He just listened. He was patient with me.

And at some point I began to trust God again. My circumstances didn’t change, and I wouldn’t say I had the same faith in Him as before, but I was no longer yelling Bible verses at Him. I began reading scriptures on gratefulness, most of which were written by Paul (who was beaten and tortured in prison at the time of the writings). I began shifting my perspective. I told God if He didn’t want me to have a normal job, I would find other ways to make money.

Then I got emails saying a couple jobs I applied for were no longer available (meaning they no longer had funding for the positions). But I still trusted God. I knew He had a job that would work for my schedule. Volunteering at church was most important to me, so I figured He was finding a way to make that possible. Another position that looked like my dream job on paper was filled, but I knew God had a bigger plan. I did cry about that one, but at the end of it I told God I still trusted Him.

But soon after a little part-time job popped up on my radar. It was only 5 miles from my house (and I live in a city, so 5 miles is the dream). It had good pay for only being part-time. It was for a small business, so I knew I’d be making a direct impact on the community around me. The best part was that I could still volunteer at church to some degree and see my husband on most evenings. I interviewed for the position and loved the owners and what they stood for. They even said if I wanted to work full time, if I could!

On the drive home (which wasn’t very long!!) I began to tell God I was sorry. He had the perfect position for me, it just wasn’t ready yet. And maybe I wasn’t either.

But God is never late, He is only late to the expectations we place on Him.

I’ve always heard, “If you could only see what God has for you on the other side of the mountain, you would make the climb.” But isn’t that hard advice when you’re in a low place? It was for me. But I’m now living in it, and it’s so true. I began tearing up on my drive home because I realized in that moment how good my God had been to me the whole time. He knew I needed that time without a busy schedule to focus on Him, adjust to being married, have time for my younger siblings, and so on. God knew, I just didn’t.

If you’re in a hard place, even way harder than mine, know God is good. God is so good, and He knows what’s best. And we may not feel like He knows what’s best until that thing we’ve been hoping for actually happens, but He’s known the whole time. And He will love you through it all. He will love you even when you’re mad at Him, don’t trust Him, question His goodness, call Him a liar. God will never give up on you, just like He never gave up on me.

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